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Skeptical Kitten’s Official Review of ‘Pet Sematary’ (Possible Spoilers)

Firstly, I should say that I typically do not watch movies unless every word in their titles are spelled completely correctly. Call me a Grammar Nazi if you must, that’s fine, but I just feel like we must hold entertainers to a much higher standard than anyone else in all things. All that being said (and quite necessarily, I must say), I decided to give a movie a try this weekend despite the fact that a key word in its two-word title was spelled so horrifically incorrectly.

HEADS UP: This article contains possible spoilers for the film. 

So, it was off to see a new version of, Pet Sematary, a re-envisioned adaptation of author Stephen King’s novel by the same toxically misspelled title. Honestly, I’ve never read this book of his, and I never watched the original film, because again, the misspelling is literally kind of like cancer. Anyway, I decided to give this new film a chance because the atrocious and flagrant disregard for proper spelling aside, I do think a story that centers around animals being loved and cared for at the end of their life-cycles is quite a good story, especially for animal lovers like me.

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I was at first quite pleasantly surprised to find out the main family’s pet was a kitty. I love kitties. Not that I don’t like dogs; they’re fine in small enough doses I guess. Cats are great. Literally the best pets for way too many reasons that I can get into right now. The point, anyway, is that the central pet in this movie about pets and the people who love them, is, a cat.

However, any initial happiness that fact brought me was quickly eroded.

I know I am biased a cat lover, but there were quite frankly not enough scenes that featured the people petting the cat. I’m not saying there weren’t any. There were. If you’re not a cat lover like me, sure you might incorrectly say you saw plenty of cat petting. You’d be so wrong that I’d want to pelt you with kitty litter because the truth is that you cannot have a movie called Pet Sematary (yuck!) without at least half its runtime devoted to solely to petting the kitty.

Right off the bat I have to knock the movie one Meow for this totally missed opportunity, which means its highest possible score is now 4 Meows.

You may also enjoy reading: Now There’s Cat ‘LEGO’ For People Who Can’t Get Enough Of Cats!

There were so many chances where the film makers could have chosen to highlight pet-owner interactions. Instead, they for some reason focused on frightening moments and scary scenes. Those things are fine, in normal movies. But when you bill a film as being majorly about pets, you owe it to your audience to pay it off with a lot more scenes depicting good pet ownership.

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I didn’t see a single grooming moment, for instance. Why didn’t any of the title characters take time to check to see if kitty’s bowls had enough food or water? Was there not any way the film could have featured a scene or two about how important it is not to de-claw your cat?

I’m sorry, but in this day and age it’s super-important that pet owners be responsible pet owners, too. We all have a duty to make sure our pets are loved and cared for in ways that are good for the pets. I didn’t see any of that in this film, another Meow bites the dust.

If the lack of cat affection wasn’t bad enough, the father in the family, was not good at all to the kitty. Now, I know I’m not supposed to outright spoil things a review, but I cannot believe how horrible that dad was! Just leaving poor kitty like that!

I guess be warned, SPOILERS AHEAD.

Pretty much him being a POS to the cat and abandoning it after it died is why his daughter ended up dying. What good boi isn’t going to rise up from the dead and try to come find the family it thought loved it and cared for it? And his daughter doesn’t die in the middle of the stupid street if he wasn’t so bad to poor kitty!

All I’m saying is I get now why the kitty was purring at the end, okay? Kitty wasn’t treated well at all! Two meows knocked off for the dad’s callous abandonment of the family cat.  I’m docking this film another Meow and a half for a total lack of catnip as well, leaving it with a final total of half a Meow.

If you are in the mood for a scary movie, you can roll the dice on Pet Sematary. If you’re a pet lover looking for a movie about your lifestyle though, STAY AWAY.


Writer/comedian/kitty lover James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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